The Millionaire's Christmas Wife Page 7

  She didn’t.

  Again he read her mind. ‘Oh, no, Miriam,’ he said softly. ‘Not an option. Not in my book.’

  She stared at him, a mixture of pain and defiance on her face. She couldn’t go through the last months again, not for anything. She had survived, just, but a second time would tear her into little pieces and there would be a second time. And a third, a fourth…

  ‘OK, we make a deal.’ His tone was suddenly brisk, cold, almost distant. ‘We see each other until Christmas. If by then you haven’t changed your mind, if you still want a divorce, I’ll back off and do things your way.’

  ‘You mean it?’ She felt worse than she’d felt in the whole of her life, even the moment she’d seen Jay and Belinda together. But it was what she wanted, wasn’t it? What had to be.

  ‘I never say anything I don’t mean, that’s what you don’t understand. Not yet.’ He lifted a hand and stroked a lock of hair from her cheek, allowing it to fall back into the silky curtain framing her face. ‘But you will, Miriam. You will.’ He turned, reaching for his jacket.

  ‘You’re leaving?’ she asked, confused.

  ‘I’m going to wait for you in the car.’ He shrugged into the jacket. ‘We’re going out for the day. Lunch. Dinner. The whole caboodle. So I presume you want to change. As your home is a little…confined, and we’ve agreed to keep this relationship on a platonic footing for now, I thought you’d appreciate my waiting downstairs. Am I right?’

  ‘You…you don’t have to.’ She didn’t know if she was on foot or horseback. ‘It won’t take me long to change.’

  ‘Which will involve you taking off your clothes,’ he said lazily. ‘And I’m only human, my love.’

  And with that he left.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  HOW had it come about that she’d agreed to spend the day with Jay?

  After he had left the bedsit Miriam stood for a full minute in a state of numb disbelief.

  Had she agreed to it? she asked herself once she’d come to life and begun to get ready. She wasn’t sure, but somehow it had happened. Which showed nothing had changed. Jay always got what he wanted.

  She pressed her hands to her hot cheeks, disgusted with herself for the feeling of excitement that was sending tingles down her spine. In spite of everything the thought of spending time with Jay was intoxicating, which was double confirmation she shouldn’t be doing it. She wanted to be over him. She wanted to be cool and contained and oblivious to his charm, but wanting wasn’t enough. In the aftermath of their separation, when she had been raw and bleeding inside, she’d promised herself she would keep a mental as well as physical distance from Jay. If she didn’t let him get near he couldn’t hurt her again. Basic common sense. But she hadn’t bargained for common sense going out of the window as soon as she was with him.

  Groaning, she surveyed the contents of her wardrobe. What to wear for a day out with one’s estranged husband? She didn’t want him to think she was trying too hard, but neither did she want to look like the poor relation. Jay hadn’t been dressed up, but then he was the sort of man who looked fantastic in anything, so that was no help.

  Eventually she decided on a coffee-coloured wool dress and waist-length cashmere cardigan in soft cream. She’d recently treated herself to a pair of cream suede boots and a matching hooded coat for the winter, and in spite of the sunshine outside it was cold enough to wear them. She left her hair loose and applied the minimum of make-up, just mascara and lip gloss, and a pair of plain silver hoops in her ears.

  Before leaving the bedsit she looked at herself in the mirror. The high-heeled boots made her legs look longer and slimmer than usual and although the coat had cost a fortune it had been worth it. For once she didn’t look too bad, she thought, tilting her head at the bright-eyed girl looking back at her. She didn’t possess the smooth sophistication that clothed women like Belinda Poppins, but then she’d never pretended to be a model type.

  ‘Anyway, it doesn’t matter how you look,’ she muttered, reaching for her handbag. Although it did. Where Jay was concerned, it did. Sighing at her inconsistency, she left the flat.

  When she reached the hall, Clara’s front door opened. Clara surveyed her accusingly. ‘Tell me I’m wrong,’ she said dramatically. ‘Tell me the reason slimeball is sitting in his car outside is not because he’s waiting for you.’

  Miriam smiled; she couldn’t help it. ‘We’re going out to lunch,’ she admitted, deciding not to mention dinner. ‘There are things to discuss.’

  Clara rolled her eyes. ‘A lamb to the slaughter.’

  ‘No, it’s all right, really. I know what I’m doing.’

  ‘With a man like your ex? Honey, no woman knows what she’s doing around someone like him. He’ll convince you black is white and before you know it you’ll be waking up beside him and washing his socks.’

  ‘Not me,’ Miriam said as lightly as she could manage. ‘I’m done with the whole washing-socks scenario.’

  ‘Now, some of your friends might believe that but not me.’ Clara surveyed her darkly, hands on hips. ‘You just watch yourself, OK? That soft centre of yours is a mite too soft for your own good at times.’

  ‘OK, Mum.’ Miriam smiled. ‘See you later.’

  When she opened the door of the building the street was lit with a cold, wintry sunshine and Jay immediately unfolded himself from the silver Aston Martin parked in front of the house. By the time she’d reached the car he had the passenger door open for her, his eyes warm as they stroked golden light over her face. ‘You look delicious,’ he murmured. ‘Good enough to eat.’

  Miriam frowned. ‘I’d prefer to keep this more…platonic if you don’t mind,’ she said, using his own terminology against him.

  His smile was merely a twitch. ‘Impossible. I’ve agreed to keep my lecherous hands off you but that’s as far as it goes.’

  She stared at him uncertainly, seeing the smoky amusement in his eyes but not knowing how to deal with it. Hiding behind disapproval, she kept the frown on her face as she slid into the beautiful car, the smell of soft leather and the faintest whiff of Jay’s aftershave as he bent to shut the door enfolding her in a sensual bubble.

  She watched him as he walked round the bonnet to the driver’s side, her stomach muscles clenching at his male beauty. And he was beautiful, she thought bleakly—not that Jay would appreciate being labelled such. But his virile good looks and lean muscled body were only part of it; he had a raw animal grace, a magnetism that was something apart from his physical attractiveness and which was very powerful. The more so because he was genuinely unaware of it.

  She had been foolish to agree to spend the day with him, Clara was right. She kept her gaze looking straight ahead as Jay joined her in the car. And even more foolish to fall in with seeing him until Christmas. But knowing Jay he wouldn’t have taken no for an answer so she’d had little option but to agree. Anyway, she wasn’t going to struggle with the whys and wherefores any more. She had agreed and that was that. And once the year was over the divorce could steam ahead.

  She swallowed hard, trying to ignore the empty sensation that had washed over her.

  ‘Relax, Miriam.’ Rather than start the car Jay twisted in his seat to face her, one arm sliding along the back of her seat. ‘This isn’t supposed to be some sort of endurance test.’

  The tender quality to his voice was nearly her undoing. Sternly resisting the temptation to look at him, she said flatly, ‘I had rather a lot planned for today, that’s all.’

  She didn’t have to look at him to know he’d seen through the lie. The evidence was in his over-solicitous voice when he said, ‘I’m sure you’ll soon catch up with everything; you’re that sort of person, after all.’

  She darted a quick glance under her eyelashes. He was smiling a slow, lazy smile and his eyes were dancing. Reluctantly her lips turned upwards at the corners.

  ‘That’s better.’ He deposited a swift kiss on her nose and started the car. ‘Today is a step back in tim
e, all right? We’ve just met, we don’t know a thing about each other and we’ve all the time in the world to find out.’

  Warning signals went off loud and clear. ‘I don’t think—’

  ‘Good. Don’t think.’ He swung the car out into the road. ‘Just let your heart rule your head for once.’

  For once? Miriam stared at the chiselled profile. Looking back, that was what she’d always done where Jay was concerned. And look where it had got her. ‘Jay, I think it’s only fair to tell you I won’t change my mind about things,’ she said quietly.

  ‘OK, you’ve told me.’ His voice was expressionless. ‘So now you can relax. Who knows, you might even enjoy yourself?’

  That was exactly what she was worried about.

  They lunched at a picturesque little pub on the outskirts of London, a quaint old coaching inn that was all oak beams and brasses and which had a roaring fire in the massive seventeenth-century fireplace. The steak and ale pie was wonderful, as was the apple crumble and custard which followed, and although Miriam kept telling herself all through the meal that she mustn’t let her guard down for a minute it was impossible not to with Jay being so amusing and non-threatening. She knew he’d purposely set himself out to be so but it didn’t make any difference.

  After lunch they went for a walk along the riverbank in the cold, bright air, the blue sky flecked with white clouds and the last of the autumn’s leaves fluttering in the icy breeze. A ubiquitous magpie cocked his shiny head at them as they passed, and blackbirds, thrushes and sparrows argued over little insects and seeds in the undergrowth.

  Jay had taken her hand early on and she had let it remain in his but, although she expected him to try and kiss her in the quiet and solitude of the wintry afternoon, he didn’t. Not even when they made their way back to the pub and Jay’s car as dusk flared across the sky in a blaze of pink and gold, turning the evening shadows into vibrant mauve and burnt orange, did he take her in his arms.

  As he helped her into the car she was aware of a definite feeling of anticlimax, even testiness, which she knew was monumentally unreasonable.

  ‘What’s the matter now?’

  Too late she realised her face had betrayed her as he joined her in the car, turning to survey her with narrowed eyes.

  ‘Nothing.’ She wiped her face clear of expression.

  ‘I thought we’d had a pleasant afternoon?’

  ‘We have.’

  ‘Damn it, Miriam.’ He sighed in exasperation. ‘I’ve trodden on eggshells all day but clearly something’s wrong and I’m not in the mood to play games.’

  ‘Nor am I.’ She could have kicked herself for not hiding her feelings better. Jay had always been like a radar as far as her emotions were concerned, picking up on things almost before she was aware of them herself. ‘I’ve told you, everything’s fine.’

  The pub was one of those that served meals all day and evening and the car park was quite full. As a family saloon crawled up behind them and then sat waiting for their space, she said, ‘Are we going?’

  ‘Not until you tell me what put that look on your face.’

  She hesitated, then decided to tell half the truth. The less humiliating half. ‘This afternoon’s reminded me of how it used to be, that’s all, before—’ She stopped abruptly. ‘Before we split up.’ She had been going to say before Belinda but somehow she couldn’t bear to say the other woman’s name at this moment in time. Not with the setting sun creating a river of colour in the charcoal-blue sky and the scent of his body warmth just inches away.

  ‘Good. Then it’s achieved what I wanted.’ His eyes held hers, very steady, very calm. ‘And I don’t intend to apologise for it.’

  She stared at him, taken aback. She knew he could be as hard as nails when he had to be but he’d never been that way with her. Now, though, there was an uncompromising note in his voice, his tone reminiscent of her mother’s when she was using her ‘you have to be cruel to be kind’ argument. Raising her chin slightly, Miriam said, ‘I wouldn’t expect you to, not the great Jay Carter, who’s never wrong.’

  He looked at her, one eyebrow rising in a way that made Miriam feel like a petulant child. ‘I can make mistakes like the next person,’ he said quietly. ‘I made one of the biggest ten months ago. I should have come and fetched you home that first night and made love to you until you knew without a shadow of a doubt that you’re the only woman in my life.’

  A warmth spread through her and she licked suddenly dry lips. ‘The car that’s waiting is getting impatient,’ she said in an attempt to change the conversation.

  ‘Let it.’ His eyes gently mocked her.

  She felt hot with a mixture of embarrassment and something else, something she didn’t want to put a name to. Thankfully Jay didn’t prolong the moment too long, turning from her and starting the car. ‘You’re one of the few women I know who can still blush,’ he said lazily as they left the pub and turned onto the road beyond the car park. ‘It’s incredibly sexy.’

  ‘Turning lobster-red? I don’t think so.’ Miriam forced a laugh.

  ‘But then I find everything about you incredibly sexy,’ he continued as though she hadn’t spoken. ‘Your soft skin, the way your freckles pepper that skin like delicious ginger spice…’

  ‘Jay, please—’

  ‘Finding each freckle with my mouth, my tongue…Do you remember?’ he asked softly. ‘Do you dream about us making love in our big bed till dawn? Pleasing each other, drunk with the intoxication that comes from being loved and loving in return? Do you think of those times, Miriam?’

  ‘No,’ she lied. ‘No, I don’t.’

  ‘I do. All the time, especially at night. And cold showers don’t help at all, do you know that? Nothing does.’ He took one of her hands, his finger sliding against her curved palm and tracing up a crease to her wrist.

  Miriam fought against showing how his touch affected her but as tingles shot up her arm she pulled her hand away. ‘Don’t,’ she said sharply. ‘Not when you’re driving.’

  His gaze hadn’t moved from the road ahead and it didn’t now, a thread of laughter in his voice when he said, ‘And when I’m not driving? What then? No, don’t answer that. I can look but not touch, right?’

  ‘I didn’t set that rule.’ She regretted the words as soon as they were voiced. They said far too much.

  ‘No, you’re right, you didn’t,’ he murmured thoughtfully. ‘Why was that, I wonder? Could it be you want me as much as I want you?’

  She stiffened. ‘In your dreams,’ she bit out fiercely.

  ‘Oh, now, if we’re going on to our dreams that’s a whole new ball game.’ His voice was very dry. ‘My dreams are definitely of the X-rated variety where you’re concerned. How about yours?’

  Hers had caused her to blush in the cold light of day and taught her she didn’t know herself as well as she had thought.

  ‘I rarely dream anything worth remembering,’ she said crisply.

  ‘I can always tell when you’re lying.’

  ‘Your list of accomplishments is amazing,’ she said with heavy sarcasm, ‘but in this case wishful thinking.’

  Jay shook his head slowly. ‘I don’t think so.’

  She dragged her eyes away from the handsome face, staring out of the windscreen like Jay. Her heart felt like a tight ball in her chest. ‘You don’t know me at all or you’d have known I wouldn’t tolerate another person in our marriage.’

  ‘Miriam, there’s always been a third person in our marriage.’ Darkness was falling quickly, lights gleaming in the windows of houses they were passing. Somehow the cosy quality to the scene outside the car made her feel ten times worse.

  She glanced at him again. ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’

  ‘The spectre of your father has been there from the word go; I was just too dim to realise before.’

  She reared up as though she’d been stung. ‘My father has absolutely nothing to do with us. He was dead long before I met you.’

  �
�He was handsome and charming but quite ruthless, wasn’t he?’ Jay went on. ‘I’ve had a couple of interesting chats with your mother about him recently. She showed me a photograph she’d kept of him. He had a weak mouth.’

  She opened her mouth to deny it but then she realised Jay was right. She wondered why she’d never noticed it before.

  ‘I’ve never trusted men with weak mouths,’ Jay said softly. ‘Or women, come to that. It’s the one feature that betrays the inner person.’

  ‘This is all very interesting but I repeat, my father has nothing to do with us.’

  ‘Wrong. He has everything to do with where we are now.’ It was swift and inflexible. ‘And the way I feel about him it’s fortunate he’s dead.’

  There were a few moments of awkward silence. Miriam didn’t know what to say to break it; there had been a very real controlled rage in Jay’s voice that had shocked her.

  ‘But there it is,’ Jay said quietly after a little while, his voice expressionless now. ‘I’m fighting against the legacy of a ghost but at least I have a better understanding of why now.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Why you’re like you are, why your boyfriends before me were the type of spineless individuals who were looking for a mother rather than a girlfriend, men who were content to be led by a ring through their nose.’

  ‘Don’t be ridiculous.’ She was mortally offended.

  ‘But then you fell in love,’ he went on remorselessly. ‘The last thing you’d bargained for or wanted. The safety net was gone. Suddenly you understood how your mother had felt about your father and subconsciously the barriers went up. This was forbidden territory, dangerous, like quicksand. One minute your feet were on solid ground, the next you were sinking in a host of emotions you found overwhelming.’

  She was shaking. She didn’t know if it was because his insight had bulldozed open a door in her mind she’d relentlessly kept closed, or because she was more angry than she’d ever been in the whole of her life. ‘Stop this car. I want to get out.’