Lovers Not Friends Read online

  They were following a track at the side of a narrow beck with its own little pools and falls which the gurgling water eagerly explored, and as she stumbled slightly, her foot catching a large tuft of wiry grass, he reached out to steady her, his hand freezing midway as though she were leprous.

  ‘Can I sit down for a minute?’ she asked faintly. She couldn’t walk and talk like this when her heart was pounding so hard it was making her chest hurt. If only he had left her alone then maybe, somehow, she could have tried to derive some sense of peace from knowing she had done what she had to do. But now? Now she was confused and heart-sore and terribly afraid that she would betray herself. If he touched her …

  ‘Sit down there if you like.’ He indicated a big smooth boulder at the side of the beck, turning with his back to her as he looked out over the land dipping and rising in front of them. ‘How long do you intend to stay here?’ he asked grimly, ‘in Yorkshire, I mean.’

  ‘I don’t know.’ She was immensely glad he was calm again, at least on the surface. ‘It all depends—’

  ‘On what?’ He didn’t move but there was something in his voice that made her shiver in the soft sunlight. ‘John’s progress?’

  ‘I’ve told you, John is nothing to do with all this,’ she said quietly. ‘I came here because it was the only place I could think of at the time where I knew someone, a friend.’

  ‘A friend.’ The hard voice was inflexible. ‘Quite.’

  ‘It’s true,’ she said flatly, ‘I promise.’

  His laugh was caustic and harsh and made her jump, violently exploding as it did into the soft warm air with vitriolic savagery. ‘You promise me?’ he said scathingly. ‘Well, your track record on promises so far isn’t too hot, is it?’

  ‘Look, this is getting us nowhere, Blade,’ she said quickly as his eyes raked across her pale face. ‘I left because I realised things weren’t right, that it wasn’t working out. I was trying to be fair to both of us; we were too different …’ Oh, just listen to yourself, she thought in deep disgust at the banality of the phrases. Is this the best you can do?

  ‘I didn’t leave London and some very important business deals to listen to such unmitigated garbage,’ he said with dangerous smoothness. ‘Things were right, it was working out and you damn well know it. I left you for forty-eight hours to clinch that French deal and came back to an empty house and the original “dear John”. Hell, Amy …’ His temper was at boiling pitch again and she saw him take a deep hard breath before continuing, his voice several tones lower when he did so. ‘You didn’t even offer an explanation.’

  She stared at him helplessly, opened her mouth to speak and then shut it again with a little snap as her thoughts raced on. She couldn’t tell him the truth and her mind refused to come up with a credible lie that would satisfy that sharp mind. Because it was true. They had been wildly, exquisitely happy. He knew it and, what was more, he knew she did.

  The sunlight had turned his brown hair into the tawny mane of a large predatory lion and she shivered at the analogy as it slipped into her mind. There was no one around for miles—he wouldn’t actually hurt her, would he? She stared into the deadly cool eyes lit with a cold fire. She didn’t know. She didn’t recognise this stranger with Blade’s face and body.

  ‘Talk to me, Amy, communicate.’ His voice was a biting grate in the warm scented air, a total antithesis to the quiet peaceful scene around them bathed in tranquillity. ‘Don’t just sit there staring at me with those huge blue eyes as though I’m the devil himself.’

  ‘Whatever I say, it won’t make any difference now, will it?’ she said slowly as she forced herself to stand upright on legs that felt boneless. ‘I want to end our marriage, Blade, I want a divorce, and that’s what counts. And you want it now, you told me so. You don’t love me any more.’

  He stared at her for a long time, something working behind the implacable remote mask that had settled over his face like a dark veil, something that she couldn’t read, and then he nodded slowly. ‘Yes, I know what I said.’ He sighed deeply. ‘But it’s difficult to believe where we are, what you have brought us to. We had it all, the love, the laughter, the sharing, but for some reason it wasn’t enough for you, was it?’ It wasn’t a question and she didn’t try to offer an answer. ‘Or maybe it’s just that you are shallow, unable to make a commitment that lasts? I’ve considered that too. I’ve told myself that you aren’t worth a minute more of my time.’

  ‘Then why are you still here?’ she asked painfully.

  ‘I’m really not sure.’ There was icy contempt in his voice, and as she tried to break the hypnotic power that had her eyes glued to his she found she couldn’t. The force of his personality, his iron will, was holding her as securely as any chains. ‘Maybe it’s as you said? Maybe I want to make you uncomfortable in this quiet little oasis you’ve made for yourself.’ His tone was cruel and mocking as he watched the effect of his words on her face. Words designed to sting and wound. ‘Can you give me one good reason why I shouldn’t make you suffer?’

  ‘No.’ She raised her head proudly. ‘Not one.’ She flung back her hair as she spoke, unaware of the glorious picture she made standing so straight and slim with her eyes huge in the pale silky smoothness of her skin and her hair a golden mass of light on her shoulders.

  Blade’s eyes narrowed as he watched her, something dark and fierce springing to life as her gaze didn’t falter. ‘I thought not.’ He let his eyes wander purposefully over her legs outlined under the blue denim, raising his gaze very slowly to her breasts that flowered under his hungry appraisal as though by magic.

  She brought her arms round her waist in an instinctive rejection of her body’s betrayal, her face scarlet, and heard him laugh deep in his throat, a dark humourless sound. ‘You still want me, my deceitful little wife, we both know it.’

  ‘I do not.’ She searched for something to say to deflect the situation, which was growing more dangerous by the minute. She needed something to put him off the scent and cut through the cool control; he was lethal when he was thinking calmly. ‘You just can’t imagine any woman leaving you, can you? The great Blade Forbes, invincible and mighty.’ She was being deliberately cruel; it was her only defence and if she didn’t use it he was going to make love to her. She could feel it. And then she would be lost. ‘You can’t accept that I decided I didn’t want you any more.’

  ‘No I can’t,’ he agreed with magnificent arrogance that opened her eyes wide. She had expected him to lose his temper, whip her with words, but there was something thoughtful in the back of his eyes that was more frightening than either of those options. ‘And especially not after seeing John. I satisfied you in every way, Amy, mentally, physically. Certainly physically. But there was more to it than that—’

  ‘No.’ She had to lie as she had never lied before. ‘No, there wasn’t. You don’t attract me any more—’ The last word was cut off with a high squeak of panic as he moved in front of her, his body taut and threateningly masculine.

  ‘I don’t?’ He eyed her coolly. ‘I could have you begging me to take you within five minutes.’ The insolent hauteur with which he spoke made her want to hit him even as her mind acknowledged he was absolutely right. She had been so innocent when they married, so naïve, but the sensual world Blade’s love had opened up for her had swept away all her inhibitions from the first night. She had been shameless in her desire for him, revelling in the precious intimacy they had shared, secure in his love for her. She had never imagined that a man’s body, his lips, his tongue, could fill her with such intense pleasure that the world literally ceased to exist. ‘John is too nice, too placid for you, I know it.’

  She was unaware that her face had mirrored her thoughts but as Blade reached out to take her in his arms she jerked away as though his touch burnt her, her eyes cloudy with fear. If he made love to her she was lost, hopelessly lost. She musn’t let it happen, she mustn’t.

  ‘You are talking about animal desire,’ she said sharp
ly as she moved backwards slowly, her face white against the brilliant gold of her hair. ‘Lust, physical mating, call it what you like.’

  ‘I called it love,’ he said furiously, his voice low and bitingly cold. ‘I thought you did too.’

  ‘You were my first lover,’ she said more quietly, her heart breaking even as she forced herself to go on. She had to finish what she had started; it had to end, now. She wouldn’t be able to go through this again. ‘I had nothing to compare you with, no experience. I realise now—’

  ‘I’m not listening to this.’ He cut off her voice more by the look on his face than by his words. ‘I’m not sure what’s going on, but no one changes this much. You’ve overplayed your hand, Amy. I don’t believe what I’m hearing.’

  ‘That’s up to you.’ Panic and fear made her voice harsh.

  ‘Exactly.’ He had never looked more handsome as he stood there in the warm sunshine, his tanned body hard and strong and his eyes devastatingly compelling as they scanned her face. ‘As you said, I was your first lover.’ He crossed muscular arms as he continued to stare into the drowning blue of her eyes. ‘But, as you know, I had had many liaisons before you. If nothing else they enabled me to recognise the real thing when it came along. And no one acts that good, Amy, not you, not anyone. You loved me, you were crazy about me, nothing you can say could convince me otherwise. I admit when I thought John—’ He stopped abruptly. ‘But for once in my life I wasn’t thinking straight. That’s what you did to me, Amy—broke the tradition of a lifetime.’ The self-mockery was hard and caustic and she hardly dared breathe as she stared up into his face. One wrong move from her and they would come together again on this warm grassy hillside and she would never have the strength to break free again. She would destroy them both.

  ‘Tell me you don’t love me.’ His voice was soft now with a silky sensuality that curled her toes. ‘Look me straight in the face and tell me you don’t love me.’

  ‘Blade …’ She turned away but he moved swiftly, swinging her round with a sharpness that indicated he wasn’t quite so in control of his feelings as he would have her believe.

  ‘Tell me.’ His eyes were depthless. ‘And I’ll get out of your life once and for all. That’s a promise.’

  His face was so close she could see the thread of laughter lines leading from his eyes and the odd touch of silver in the thick virile hair. It brought home to her how fragile and transient life was. Blade was thirty-six years old, a strong, virile man in the prime of life looking forward to having a family with a young healthy wife. And it couldn’t be. Not with her. She bit her lip hard. This way she was giving him a second chance. He had nothing if she stayed with him.

  ‘Amy?’ He hadn’t moved a muscle and even the air around them was heavy with expectation.

  ‘Blade, I don’t …’ Her voice faltered at the steel in his eyes but she swallowed tightly as she clenched her hands into tight fists, her knuckles white. Her whole body was trembling but maybe he hadn’t noticed? She dropped her eyes from his as she ground out the words. ‘I don’t love you.’

  ‘Not good enough,’ he said steadily. ‘I said you have to look me in the face.’

  He had no idea what he was doing to her, she thought desperately. Why had this had to happen to them? It wasn’t fair, none of this was fair! She couldn’t bear it, she couldn’t … She raised her eyes and stared blindly into the blur of his face. ‘I don’t love you.’

  The silence was very complete and then, through the pounding in her ears, she heard him breathe out slowly.

  ‘Is that the best you can do?’

  It wasn’t the response she had expected, and as her vision cleared she saw his face was carefully blank, his eyes hooded and empty. As she stood in front of him, swaying slightly, she felt for a moment he was looking into her soul. ‘I don’t understand?’

  ‘You and me both.’ There was a twist to his mouth that made her want to reach out a hand and smooth the firm lips into a smile.

  ‘I told you.’ She lowered her head to stare at a tiny white-petalled daisy lying crushed at her feet. ‘You said you would leave if I told you, and I did.’

  ‘You didn’t convince me.’ She brought her head up sharply to stare into the handsome cold face.

  ‘That wasn’t the bargain,’ she said hotly, ‘whether you believed me or not. You said you would go—’

  ‘So I lied.’ His voice was cool and assured and quite unrepentant.

  ‘This isn’t fair, Blade—’

  ‘Life’s not fair, sweetheart.’ Suddenly the chameleon-like skill she had seen him use in difficult situations in the past was very much in evidence, his whole manner changing to one of relaxed lazy assurance as he smiled at her crookedly, his face guileless. ‘Now, as I can see that we aren’t going to get any further this afternoon, I suggest we take a nice leisurely walk in this beautiful countryside, unless you have a better suggestion?’ The drawling voice and raised eyebrow was intended to provoke and it did.

  ‘You can go to—’

  ‘Don’t tell me where I can go, Amy.’ The easy manner was dropped in an instant, his voice icy. ‘You are treading on a very thin line, my girl, and don’t you forget it. My gut instinct is to take you now and we both know it wouldn’t be rape. However, that might not be such a good idea as certain parts of my anatomy are suggesting. It would relieve my frustration which is considerable—’ the black eyes stroked over her hot face ‘—but I’m not sure at this moment in time if it would do more. What do you think?’

  ‘I’ll never forgive you if you tried—’ She stopped abruptly as he lifted a hand to her mouth, tracing the outline of her lips with a thoughtful finger.

  ‘But then as things stand I haven’t got anything to lose, have I?’ he asked slowly as though she hadn’t spoken. ‘Have I, Amy?’ His hand had tangled itself in the soft silk of her hair at the base of her neck and as he drew her head back and his own lowered she felt breathless panic and something else—something else she dared not dwell on. A fierce hunger and desire that made her legs fluid.

  His mouth was warm and firm and tantalisingly familiar, and the kiss was long and tender with no violence or anger in its depths. Part of her knew this was subtle persuasion, she could almost feel the way his mind was working. He intended to prove, to her and to himself, that she was still his. And in spite of everything, in spite of the utter foolishness of responding to him, she was drinking from his lips as though she were dying of thirst. His hands were sensual, intimate—she had no defence against him, no defence at all …

  ‘I was mistaken.’ As he raised his head and stood back a pace, his voice was dry. ‘Five minutes was an exaggeration after all.’

  He anticipated her reaction, catching her hand as it moved to strike him, his face sardonic and his eyes watchful. ‘Not again,’ he said coldly, ‘and behave yourself or I’ll have to give you another lesson in obedience.’

  ‘Is that what it was?’ she asked with painful anger. ‘A lesson in obedience?’

  ‘Partly.’ He smiled slowly with dark humour. ‘But only partly.’

  ‘Then why did you stop?’ she asked tensely, as she forced herself to stand straight and still in front of him, drawing her chin up to stare at him proudly with crushed violet eyes.

  ‘Because I don’t want mere obedience,’ he said softly, ‘and you damn well know it. I don’t know what you’re playing at but you’d better take this on board now and learn it well. I won’t be made a fool of, Amy. When we make love again, and we will, believe me, it will be because you want it as badly as me but with your head as well as your body. Anything less is second best and I have never accepted that in my life.’

  His words hit her like a sword through her heart. Second best? She was that all right. Oh, if only he knew … Her head swam with the intensity of emotion that had drained all colour from her face, and brought the image of the flowers, replaced daily, starkly in front of her. ‘No, you never have,’ she agreed dully as she brushed a strand of hair absently
from her face. ‘Why should you? Why should anyone?’

  ‘Amy?’ His voice was so fierce it made her jump out of her skin. ‘What are you thinking about? John? Has he put that look on your face? Do you have to conjure him up like a weird amulet to protect yourself from the contamination of my presence?’

  ‘Don’t be ridiculous.’ She forced her face to go blank, removing all emotion from her features which seemed to have the capability to betray her just when she needed to be strong. ‘I want to start a new life, Blade, and I want you to do the same. That’s all there is to it.’

  ‘I want, I want.’ His voice dripped acid. ‘There are a darn sight too many “I wants” in your vocabulary, Amy. Well, I have no intention of making this easy for you so chew on that, honey. I can play clean or dirty and I’m damned good at both.’

  ‘I don’t doubt it,’ she said quietly, as her heart pounded so hard she was sure he could hear it. ‘But I shall get my divorce either way.’

  ‘That you will.’ There was a hot flicker in the back of his eyes that unnerved her but she took his words at face value and nodded slowly.

  ‘That’s all I want.’

  ‘Those two little words again,’ he said silkily. ‘What a determined little female you are.’ She suddenly had the most intense and uncomfortable feeling that through all the talk and overt mockery, that cool and piercingly intelligent mind was ticking away on quite a different sphere altogether. Was she fooling him? She looked deep into the hard face but could read nothing. She wasn’t sure any more …